Tear off your hiding mask

In order to communicate effectively let the real you communicate. That's the conclusion and the takeaway from this chat. I would now simply say stay safe and see you in a coming chat but, I thought that may be the message is not well received if it is not backed up with examples, explanations and opposite point of view. So why we need to tear off our hiding mask?do we have a hiding mask? And how to find it?

We had been chatting for a long time about the communication and its importance. This chat will focus one one aspect of the communication which is speaking from our true self.

When do you feel that you need a hiding mask?

Social conditioning had shaped our perception about the others. Those perception are the exact ones that we try to fulfill or hide. Failing to fulfill any of these expectations or falling in one of these pitfalls brings shame into our feeling. The social conditioning through family, close friends, school, work and community had programmed us to judge others as good and bad. Good labels those who leaves an impression that they fit in the frame. Good can be replaced by fit, healthy, wealthy, beautiful,young, adventurous,courageous, knowledgeable, educated, expert, etc.. Bad is expected to take the opposite adjectives. Unfortunately who falls out of the Go - No Go gauges even with an inch or a kg looses his Good Pass.

The comic part of this story is that we can apply the Go - No Go test on ourselves and some close people in our community sorry, close community.

Community as defined by Merriam-Webster:a group of people with a common characteristic or interest living together within a larger society. Society usually include communities. People within a community are more similar than different.

The examples we compare our selves to are not a majority in our community. Why? Because in a community we are more similar than being different. What we really compare ourselves to are standards that doesn't belong to our community. They are commercial standards of how beauty is and how wealthy people look like and do. We compare our selves to holograms created by the media in general and the nonsense talks around the coffee cups to kill the time. In those nonsense talks who claims to know more, holds the mic. Next logical step is to hide this flaw or to hide ourselves totally so we are not seen because we had mistakenly judged ourselves that we don't fit. That's where the hiding masks start to appear.

Where to find our hiding masks?

Everyone has some important values for him. Those values are the most important factors in defining his priorities and what he cares most about. Most of the time those values are subconsciously threaded into our minds either from the community, society or the media. The most dangerous ones are those picked up from the media as most of the time it doesn't represent the norms of the small community or the bigger society where we live.

Usually we were raised in a way that we tend to be aggressive when judging ourselves. Why? Because mostly it is a comparative judge. We know all our flaws and we don't know all about the others. So, what is not bold and clear about the other person we tend to give him 10/10 marks for this part. Then we compare this to the 5/10 we gave ourselves for the same point. Later, either we hide this part, or tend to fake it or lie about it to make it appear as a full mark based on our perception.

So, when you feel worried or uncomfortable from a family gathering for example, a meeting at work, or a dinner in the park, consider this as the first clue on the way to catch a hiding mask.

How does a hiding mask look like?

However close a group of people are, they can't see each other completely. There is always some areas within each of us that are hidden. I loved late Dr. Wayne Dayer calling these hidden areas "The Shadow". Moreover, some of these shadow areas are not clear to the person himself. In other words some of your shadow areas are not clear to you. You catch them by one or two ways. One way is through hints from close people that you acted in this situation different to what you are used to. It might be an intended action from you to play differently this time. Or, it might be a shadow area popped up from behind the hiding mask. The other way to shed the light over your shadow areas is by watching yourself and your actions or reactions in different situations.

Let us take an example, a party or a friends' gathering for dinner. One of the friends is feeling worried before he goes. What is he or she worried about? He is worried because he feels inferior to others from some perspective. It might be his or her body, dressing, dancing professionalism, unimpressive talks, not being center of attention. Those are the points he used to judge people for. So, that is exactly what he is looking for in his interaction with others. He is seeking to gain the Good Pass and avoid shameful one. Both labels are created in his mind. To gain the whole mark, he fakes his acts and appearance to look different from his reality. Deep inside he is worried to fail in this drama test he has placed himself in.

The Solution, face the fear of being vulnerable

I came to understand this idea clearly from Brené Brown’s 2012 book, Daring Greatly.

How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

Let go of the need to be better than anyone. Then, you will not feel inferior to anyone. Shame fear from it will be less dominating on your life. All your actions won't be reactions anymore. You will try and may fail but you will never hide. You will start proudly from the zero point with all the excitement, challenges, fears, hopes and dreams of the fresh starts. Any comments you receive drain them from the feelings. Just consider them as signs on the road. You don't follow every sign, otherwise it will take you to a different destination. If you are driving from Metz in the far north of France to Leon in the south, you won't leave the road at the exit taking you to Paris.

You won't be afraid from speaking about the real you. That's when your tear off your hiding mask and live the freedom of your true self.

In Conclusion,

In order to communicate effectively let the real you communicate. Shed the light on your shadow areas by noticing them. Stop comparing yourselves to idols that don't fit on your life line. Make sure that your values are important to you not just some prestigious titles that decorates the outfit.

Stay Safe and true.

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